Somewhat recently I was released from an abusive relationship. While primarily it was verbal and emotional, it left me a hallowed out version of myself. I was unable to recognize anything when I looked in the mirror. The worst part was the longer I stayed the more I became like the abuser, my empty parts being filled with rage and fear to match his. Rage and fear I couldn’t seem to escape, making me feel lost and dizzy. It was all-encompassing. I lived for a long time in a fog of self-hatred and confusion. I disappeared from many people’s lives and those who spent time with me didn’t know this person I had become.  It’s hard to imagine those times now that I’m making my way back to me. Once you’re out of the darkness it’s hard to remember how it feels to live without hope. I’m glad to be working my way back to “normal” Johanna and I have since recognized life is all about learning. I’m just hoping I’ve gained the strength to GO before the worst happens in the future because oh how my intuition screamed GO back then. I just hadn’t learned to listen yet.

This experience has changed me. I am not quite as carefree as I once was. Smiling is difficult and I feel like there may be a part of me that might never heal 100%. The one thing that has gotten me out of my self-imposed downward spiral is the planning of an adventure. After spending so long living life as a zombie, I needed to run free again.  This decision was made on a plane ride back to my mother’s home during a very low period. My world felt like a dark pit and I couldn’t continue. I had become so dependent on the relationship and the criticism that I didn’t have the strength or confidence to crawl out, let alone walk away. I didn’t know how to get out of my own head. Then an idea arose and I knew I needed this escape to be real. 50 states in 52 weeks. I started a job as a flight attendant the year prior and hadn’t quite traveled as I originally planned. There was no one to tie me down anymore, no one to make me feel guilty and I didn’t know where I wanted to live in the world anyway, so why not visit every state in one year and see if anything sticks?

This is where the good part begins. I started talking about my #50in52 and people loved the idea. They also loved telling me what to do in their state and I LOVE to listen. I will be blogging the adventure and the healing so please, track my progress. Hold me accountable! Most of all, if you’re reading this and you know someplace I HAVE to GO, tell me! It’s not just about stepping foot in every state, it’s about experiencing the best/weirdest/most fun/most interesting things each state has to offer. I’m starting this week, the first week of June (my 29th birthday) and I want to fill the last year of my 20s with as many amazing stories as possible. Even if all you have to share is where I can get the best sandwich I’ve ever tasted… I NEED THAT SANDWICH! So share, tell me where I need to go… Because this time when my intuition is screaming GO, I’m listening. Go Johanna, go! Go everywhere.